No Lifeguard On Duty

I almost died tonight. This is very real and after my brush with death I thought about how long it would take before housekeeping came in and found my body laying in cold water. It was disturbing and I made a vow right then and there that I will never attempt yoga poses while in a bathtub...ever again...especially when alone.

I walked into my hotel room for the first time on Monday and was, for one second, in awe and then suddenly so depressed that I was all alone and had no one to share THE SEXIEST hotel room ever with (Even just a girlfriend!). I opened the door to a completely dark room and when I stepped inside the shades slowly started opening (the ENTIRE wall is floor to ceiling glass overlooking Vegas), dim lights came on and soft music started playing....ummmmm where have I been? Clearly not staying in the hotels where cool people sleep...or don't sleep. So for the past two days I have been consumed with my uber sexy room....from the foyer, to the bathroom, the bed, and everything in between. Since I am staying here for 12 nights I have started to pretend (I'm really good at it) that this is my condo and I am this totally rich, 25 year old girl that could not be more unaware of the fact that I am living in such fab digs. Each evening after work I get into my huge, egg shaped tub (Pour exactly one bottle of the bath gel they supply) and soak like a goddess. I point my toes in the air and slide all the way in until I am underwater and my back is touching the bottom of the tub (Occasional scissor kicks)....basically I have way too much fun in the bath for a serious career lady of twenty five years.

Today I felt like death (Pretty sure it's all the recycled air I am breathing in). I decided that I needed to REALLY pamper and relax myself tonight in order to refresh myself for another long day tomorrow. I had the "Music for Lovers" channel playing, the lights down super low, and the water extra hot so I was feeling super limber and loose in my bath and decided to try out this move I saw Lindsey Lohan do in a photo shoot the other day (I watched a video of the shoot online). She was in this yoga looking position where her spine was rounded and her knees touched her forehead and toes were pointed straight ahead (Divers do it off the high dive). So as I was easing into my position, my back slipped down the edge of the tub (Stupid bath gel) and I slid all the way down until my head was completely under the water, I guess I gasped when I went under because bath water rushed into my mouth!!! I got my hands on the bottom of the tub, pushed my head above the water, and spit the water out, coughing, and fighting to catch my precious breath... Obviously no one was there to rush to my side and ask me if I was okay (Which sucked) and so I just sat there... stunned... in silence. I thought of everything that I would never get to see if I had died then and there, my gorgeous husband, my white (or black can't decide) Range Rover, my children (Names can't be revealed) , my home in Colorado and my brownstone in the West Village. My heart ached when I imagined never seeing my family or my purses again and I decided then and there that I was not ready to leave the world just yet and I will do whatever it takes to stay safe while on this crazy journey I have just begun.

Lesson Number One Learned on the Road..Never attempt photo shoot/yoga poses while in the water sans photographer or lifeguard.

Woman on the Rise

Someone must be pleased with my GG (Good Girl) attempts this year, because as I begged, wished, and prayed, 2010 is treating me very well! This BG (Bad Girl) landed herself a big girl job! Not only did I land a job, but a job that I fits me like a luxurious, satin glove. My job requires travel around 220 days a year….and that includes LOTS of international travel....hello Paris, Barcelona, and Sydney!! This job could not have come at a better time…no rent and no ring means I get to prance around the world with not only an open mind, but also a very open heart! Bring on ze sexy men with accents that make this American girl melt like fro yo on a hot summer day!

I never pictured myself as a real life SCL (Serious Career Lady) and when I found out that I would be traveling in business attire, I almost choked on my latte. I am the girl at the airport in slouchy Juicy sweat pants, a white v, tons of jewelry, and oversized sunglasses (kinda like to pretend like I am Nicole Ritchie at the AP). Goodbye hippie headbands and leggings with cowboy boots at the term and hello slacks and cardigans….it was a VERY hard pill to swallow. On my return flight from my first SCL business trip to Chicago, I wore a black suit and realized that it can be quite fun in a very different way to be in business clothes when traveling.

This morning as I was getting ready to leave for my second work trip, I decided that I was going to go for the SSBL (Super Sexy Business Lady) look. Black pencil skirt, black cardigan, and four inch black J. Simps stilettos, oh my! Let me tell you something ladies, I don’t know what it is, but there must be something about a working woman that men like, because the treatment I am getting today is much more than I ever have received before in an AP! As I boarded my flight (Southwest) I was trying to decide where to sit and a man stood up and pointed to the seat next to him and told me I could sit with him, he then grabbed my carry on and put it overhead for me, (Thanks sir!). I went to the restroom just as they were taking refreshment orders and I asked him to get me a Sprite Zero, when I came back he told me he ordered me a vodka to go with it (I thanked him, but insisted that he drink it…SCL’s always arrive sober to work!). On my way to the restroom a man in an aisle seat asked me if I would like a chip, (Dead Serious), I thanked him and politely declined (I really wanted to accept, but my pencil skirt begged me not to). This flight has now made me realize that just because I am not 22 years old and in my shabby chic attire, that I am growing into an SCL that is getting much more attention from all the traveling gents. As of mid flight today, I now wear the white topaz JF ring I got for my 21st birthday on my right ring finger instead of the left, don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea, this SCL does not have a ring on it!

* The above was written while on my flight to Vegas today…when I walked out of the airport there was a line around 47 people deep to get a cab… the guy in charge pulled the barricade open and told me to "Come in here"….I was in the next cab. I guess it pays to be polished!

Progress Report for Brittany Twenty Ten

Growing up, I always dreaded the time of the year when parent/teacher conferences took place. For some reason, I always got a lecture when my parents got home. My grades were never the problem, but my socializing was. It was always the same thing, "Brittany is sweet, obedient (for the most part), and an overall good student, but she just talks too much and it is distracting to others". I'm pretty sure every single one of my teachers, grades 1-5, moved my desk next to theirs at some point during the year. Sorry for being nice! I thought we were taught in pre-school to share, be social, and to communicate with our classmates. Some people were super good at math and science, I was good at socializing, but for some reason, I was the only one being punished! So I have decided that this year I will give myself my own progress report, where socializing is encouraged and if you have to count with your fingers...it is NOT held against you. My report is as follows;

As January comes to an end, I must say that I have been extremely good about working on my resolutions for the new year. I have been a lot more proactive when it comes to the job search, well at least better than I was before. My dad says it should be a full time job in itself, I would say at this point it's more along the lines of a part time job/volunteer gig, but there is definitely a pulse! As far as dates are concerned, I have turned down a few (still scarred from Burt boy), but when a sexy, smart, guy with long, bad boy hair and an angelic face (aka Kurt Cobain/Jared Leto/Ethan Hawk circa Reality Bites, you get it) comes along...I will most definitely let him wine and dine me. As far as my good judgement....well....that's still a work in progress. I can however, say that my work on my outer beauty is going really well! (It's just so much more fun than the others') I have been flossing every day, went "bad girl" blonde with my locks, currently living off of skinny vanilla lattes, sugar free gum, and beef broth (I've given up on dieting the healthy way, heroin chic/waif by summer!), and have been keeping up on my mani/pedies. And guess what? Since I feel better on the outside, I am feeling much better on the inside (Told you it can work both ways). Also, remember my little army of Ole (pronounced Oooo-La as in "Oooo la la look at Brittany's glowing skin!") Henriksen products? Well, I will admit, we got started off on the wrong J. Simps heel (Never buy a clear face mask). I was doing really well with my skin regimen and then one day I woke up with FOUR solid, red, zits on my face!!! If I can say one thing, it's that I never really had to deal with acne or zits (I get ONE thing to brag about, there are literally 137 things I hate about myself other than that). I felt hurt, confused, offended, betrayed! Why was this expensive, allegedly amazing stuff ruining my skin?! The line that JT, who brought sexy back with his clear face, swore by, the line that Charlize (THE face of Dior) said "J'Adore" to?! Well, just as I was about to flush it all down the toilet and go back to my $9 bottle of Aveeno, that has always done me right, I realized what the problem was (and it was not my army taking the other side), just two days before, when I got out of the bath, I generously applied my new blue/black berry enzyme mask (supposed to do wonders for wrinks). It's a clear mask and you can't feel it after you put it on (must be good!). Problem with that? You can VERY easily forget that you have the mask on. I put it on at roughly three in the afternoon, went to happy hour, came home a little happier than I expected, went right to bed and did not wash off my mask until my morning soak the next day around 10am. The directions say to leave the mask on for 30 minutes....I left it on for 19 hours. Oopsie. Sorry Ole, for blaming you for my own stupidity. A week and a half later my skin is well on it's way to happy and healthy. Now if only I could get myself to drink more than one bottle of water every other day, then I really could have the skin of a 14 year old model! (I know, just let me dream) Progress report states (drum roll): Solid A for positivity, enthusiasm, and effort! Probably not what my therapist or parents would give me, buuuut this is my progress report on moi, not theirs!

Brittany Twenty Ten

With the new year in full force I can not tell you just how happy I was to see 09' go. Although the year did bring some amazing trips and adventures, as it came to an end it sucked as bad as paying full price for a pair of expensive boots and then watching your sister buy them a week later for a third of the price. So I have decided that with the start of a new decade I am going to exfoliate alllll the bad skin off of me (not to be mistaken with the bad girl in me, she stays) and start over as a new woman! First off, I am going to be extremely pro-active in finding a new job. I can not tell you how sick I am of not having a normal routine, a job that challenges me, happy hour (God, I miss HH), and I never thought I would say this...EVER..but a dress code. Yes I, the queen of getting calls from HR regarding my work wardrobe, misses the dress code. Oh, how I do love the challenge of dressing cute and sexy while showing no skin and dealing with the "to the knee" rule (When I reign, there will be no TTK rule). Second, I am focusing on my outer beauty. No I didn't mean inner and accidently write outer, I am focusing on my outer beauty, if I feel beautiful on the outside, I will feel beautiful on the inside (It can work both ways). I am going to floss more, drink more water and less RBV's, possibly lighten up the curls, and consume less salt so that my eyes NEVER get puffy (not sure if mine do, but I read today that if you consume less salt, your eyes will be less puffy). I also just armed myself with some new Ole Hendriksen products, so by the time 2011 rolls around my skin is going to resemble that of a 14 year old model (I aim high). Third, I am going to go on more dates. Now the last time I said this, I ended up on a date with a 47 year old man who was a dead ringer for Burt Reynolds and ended up so drunk that I had to drive his car to my house, watch him literally crawl up my stairs on his hands and knees, and let him pass out on my couch (What was I supposed to do?!) The man literally downed three cocktails before we even ordered dinner. He wanted to take me to Annie Gunns, but I didn't feel comfortable getting on any highway with this man and his moustache, so we settled for Barcelona which was about two miles from my house at the time. That was also a bad idea because I saw three people I knew while we were there. I rushed through the meal so we could get the H out of there and decided we should go to Miso because we could walk there, it was a week night (aka not a large crowd), and it's dark like a dungeon (perfect if I sit with my back to the crowd in a corner), not so much...I saw more people I knew and then some photographer took a picture of Burt boy and me. That's when I panicked, took him to a keg party and watched him bong beers with some 20 somethings that worked at McGurks. Clearly, I was on a roll of great ideas. The next morning I was at work and saw an email on my Blackberry from my sister titled "What is this?!?!". Her ex, while on insidestl.com, found the picture that was taken not 12 hours before and sent it to her and my MOTHER. I had a lot of explaining to do. Lesson learned: Don't go out on dates with people because you are bored and want free dinner, drinks, or entertainment, because in the end...you will end up paying for it one way or another. Lastly, Brittany twenty ten is going to have much better judgement (I pray for it every night, as do my parents) and even though it's a lot more fun to lack good judgement, this might be the year that I remove myself from the HMC (hot mess club). Cheers!

Snow Bunny with Extra Fur, Please

I awoke to the sound of my church bells alarm this morning. I should probably change that because I find myself cursing it most mornings and cursing church bells...well that's just not nice. I've heard that you can record your own voice as a daily alarm, I may ask my ex if he would like to do the job...cursing him is right in every way. It immediately felt like one of those mornings when you just want to lay in bed and watch SATC reruns allllll day and text boys until one of them agrees to deliver Bread Co. chicken noodle soup to you bedside. So I was super cozy in my warm bed and I had on the cutest jammies (new J. Crew nighty dress...ADORABLE and sexy in a super preppy, good girl way...not like my other sexies from fellow bad girl, first name Victoria, last name Secret). So I slowly pulled up my eye blinders, pulled off the covers, went to the window and saw that the sky was gray and everything in sight was snow white. Immediately part of me (all of me) was sad that I was not in Colorado at the bottom of a beautiful mountain sipping a Fragile Baby while trying my best to look sexy while bundled in layers of ski apparel. My vision is as follows: Me in tight black, modern cut (Low on the waist, flared at the calf) ski pants (My butt looks super cute and a just a little bit tighter). I have on a matching black ski coat with LOTS of fur around the hood. My hair (Which has tons of blonde highlights in this vision) is in a sassy, messy, little bun on the top of my head. I have Chanel goggles resting on the top of my head (Butterflies at the thought!), and diamonds (Cartier Platinum 1.51 ctw round studs) in my ears. Oh and my lips are nude with LOTS of gloss (Gotta make sure my smile shines through the snow and drift on the top of the mountains). So there it is...that's my vision. I left my window, put on my slipps, walked to the bathroom in a love sick for the mountains daze and ran a hot bath (That I pretended was a hot tub on the deck of a $12 million condo in Telluride). God, please take me to the mountains...I will be a such a good, good girl and if you throw in the studs, I will forever be your angel. Until then...I sit here in my faux (shhh) fur Forever 21 oversized vest with my black, knee high boots and black leggings. My hair is in a messy, little bun on top of my head and my jewelry...well, I am boasting no Cartier, but feeling some sass none the less.

VBC, How I've Missed Thee

Since my last update, which was approximately 11 weeks ago (bad girl!), the following has not occured in my life;

1) A gorgeous surgeon with a slight bad boy edge fell entirely in love with me
2) I was the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Nutcracker
3) I got the Balenciaga Motorcycle bag that I have been dreaming of nightly for almost 4 years
4) I am now writing to you from NYC because I work for Vogue
5) I woke up and my boobs were no longer DD's, but a small B cup
6) John Mayer wrote a song about me
7) I conquered a double black diamond and looked AH mazing (both outfit and skill wise) while doing it
8) Karl Lagerfeld asked me to be his date to the Costume Institue Gala 2010
9) I am spending NYE La Perla lingerie clad and sipping champagne in a suite at the Ritz Carlton in Paris
10) VBC reached 1,000,000 views

The following has;

1) I got laid...and we are not talking s.e.x. or Hawaii...we're talking job
2) I took a last minute trip to Minnesota during a snow storm for my great grandmother's 97th birthday (You go Granny!!)
3) I was a victim of robbery
4) I tracked down my thief in North County and got my stolen possession back! (Sassy Girl 1, Dirty Rotten Thief 0)
5) I was slipped the DRD (Date rape drug, okay this time I really think I was!)
6) I then booked a flight to New York for Cinco while I was still under the influence the next day (SO EXCITED!!! But seriously sad if I were a victim of DRD)
7) I got my first brazilian (I'm a woman now!!)
8) I tried to count to 1,000 one day when I was bored (true story, lost track in the teens)
9) I went to the Nutcracker (Girl's tradition in my fam and always a GREAT motivator to not eat for a few days after)
10) I posed in a picture with the World's tallest man!! (So what if he was concrete)

Okay so getting laid off most definitely puts a damper on things, I mean my life is not exactly a replica of the Michael Kors ad I was shooting for, but here is a list of some of the perks;

1) You get to play cute, young, housewife at the grocery store (Put a ring on it and stroll with the other DHW's)
2) Nail salons are dead (Walk right in and sit down!)
3) Two words; Martini lunch
4) Perfect your housewife skills (Cooking, cleaning, laundry...they don't teach it in college, sister)
5) Never wait for the tred at the gym (Downside is all the guys are at work, but great if you need to drop some weight before giving the flirty eye while killin' the cals)
6) Explore the city; museums, parks, neighborhoods (You could become your city's next ambassador!)
7) Work on your golf game (You can take all the time you need and there won't be anyone behind you pressuring you to rush)
8) You have time to take up a hobby like painting wine glasses or knitting (Great money saver when giving gifts on a tight budg)
9) It's much easier to get a last minute appointment (Salons and spas fill up quickest on nights and weekends, Facial on Wednesday at 2:00? Why not?!)
10) No more crowded movie theaters!! (Just you, Edward Cullen, and the dark)

Moral of the story; Just because the Kors ad lifestyle has been put on hold, it does NOT mean that all sassiness is lost, if any at all! Recently my father said to me, "Sweetheart, you are living a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget", I prefer, Andres budget. Either way, I'm saying ta ta to 2009, grabbing my Bans, and keeping my fingers crossed that twenty ten will be brighter than the rock Elin Woods has coming her way! Happy New Year sassy boys and girls!

From Fall to Wintour

I can't remember when I first heard about Karl Lagerfeld, it was years ago and I was immediately intruiged with the man behind the seams at Chanel. I would scour the internet for any information, pictures, interviews, and videos of him, but never came up with much. I knew what he looked like, what he did for a living and I knew who he was most likely to arrive arm in arm with at the Costume Institute Gala or who he would most likely seat front and center at one of his shows, but I was more interested in the man himself. I wanted to see him on an average day (pretty sure it doesn't exist), I wanted to know the man behind the dark shades and underneath the black and white suits and black leather gloves. I was beyond thrilled when I discovered there was a documentary out titled "Lagerfeld Confidential". I could NOT believe that Karl agreed to let cameras into his private world of glamour, luxury, and excess. Now take that excitement and multiply it by 32 and that's how excited I was when the news hit that Anna Wintour was doing the same thing. Anna. Wintour. While I scoured for Karl, I more or less stalked for Anna. I was obsessed with knowing the woman who was perched upon the throne of Vogue Magazine. The woman who had a best selling novel turned film written about her and her ice cold demeanor, the woman who literally held the keys to the gates of fashion in her cold, skinny, hands. When I heard about "September Issue", I couldn't believe that I was going to be invited (for 90 minutes) into the world of Ms. Wintour and Vogue. I couldn't wait to see the ice queen interact with her staff and everyone in her world and to see inside her home and the offices of Vogue. The film was T.D.F. (to die for)...seri T.D.F. And the icing on the cake? Well, I did not think that for ONE second Anna would be letting her walls down, but she COMPLETELY did. I won't ruin it for those who have not seen, but I strongly encourage anyone who has any curiosity or interest in the world of fashion, glamour, and beauty to go see "September Issue". Ms. Wintour knocks em' dead in knee length, floral, dresses and her signature oversized black Chanel's. You go girl!

November Rain

Saturday afternoon I was working and found myself craving peanut M&M's. My director keeps some in his office and sometimes when I have these little cravings I suddenly "remember a question that I have" and make my way in there. Once inside, I ask my question and then give my best "ohhhhh, forgot those were in here and they look to die for right now" look and then grab a handful of sin. So I grabbed the goods and we started chatting. I sat down in the chair opposite him and while I was in the middle of gushing to him about my recent boot purchase (best find EV) he interrupted me and said, "Oh my god, Brittany, look oustide my office". I turned and there, right in front of our eyes, was a grey mouse. We watched him walk out of someone's cube and then his body just hit the ground. He rolled onto his back and then his legs started twitching, I yelled, "What is going on?! Is he in pain!? What is happening?!" and then he was still...one more body twitch and then still again. We sat there in silence for about 26 seconds and then looked each other dead in the eye and both said, "Is he dead?". I got out of my seat and walked over to get a better look. My director yelled, "What are you doing!? You can't get so close!!" (I quickly found out that my director, who is a 30 year old, 6'4, male is afraid of mice). I squatted down and peered at the mouse for about 8 seconds and realized he was dead. Gone. The angel of darkness had entered our office and in front of our eyes we watched, experienced, and swallowed death. We later found that the cause of the death was poison. Damn, another one bites the dust. Later on that day the experience had me thinking of my own death. I have always invisioned myself to have a very dramatic funeral on a cool, November day. When I was ten I wrote down very specific instructions for my funeral and kept them in a box (along with a picture of Kate Moss with red lips pursed around a cigarette and my fav pic of Harrison Ford). I wrote that I wanted all the men to wear sunglasses and all the women in black veils. Everyone had to be head to toe in black. I wanted black and white photographs to be taken and I requested it be a cold, dark, rainy day (thanks God!). I also had a list of songs that I wanted to be played and the two that I remember are Joe Cocker, "You are so beautiful" and Whitney Houston, "I will always love you". My mother said that my funeral seemed little vain (clearly she didn't get how to leave this world with true grace and style). While I may not be Princess Di, I can assure you, I never leave a party without making a good exit.

Boogie on Reggae Woman

Back in June I went to visit a boy who lives in Aspen. He loves reggae like I love purses and I...well I know as much about reggae as I do about the periodic table. There are three things that come to my mind when I think of reggae...drugs, dreads, and drum circles. People often think that I'm a hippie, but I'm totally not. Yes my style can be very reflective of the late 60's and early 70's and yes I do enjoy Hendrix, Clapton, and Zeppelin...but trust me when I say...I am not a hippie. And just to clarify...I'm not a faux hippie, I much prefer hippie chic. So when I was leaving Aspen my friend made me a couple of cd's and there was this certain song that I was OB.SESSED with. I knew a girlfriend of mine who would appreciate the song as much as I and when I played it for her she loved it....we goog'd the lyrics and found that the artist was Michael Franti. We started listening to some of his other stuff and then saw that he was coming to town in October. The guy in Aspen just went to his show a few weeks ago and his sister (who I met up with in NYC) almost died when we told her we were considering buying some tix. She said it was amazing and poss one of the best shows EV. So tonight is the big show and I hope I fall in love with Michael as it seems everyone else already has. I am kind of excited about my outfit and to see all the real hipps! I hope I blend in (shall I go sans shoes?!) and until my next update...PLH (Peace, Love, Happiness)

Blackberry or Die

Labor Day weekend (aka the start to FALL) came and went. That Saturday was the MU/IL Arch Rival game, it was a beyond amazing day of running into friends, cheering Mizzou on, experiencing Fieldhouse in St. Louis, drinking...and more drinking. The day was AH. MA. ZING. It was 10 times better than I could have imagined. BTW I would just like to say that Mizzou has GREAT school colors (and no I did not go to Mizzou). When your school colors are purple and green, it's a little hard to look cute at a tailgate, but black and gold...my goodness, the options are endless. All a girl has to do is wear a black cotton dress and black leggings and then pile on the gold jewelry. SO FUN! I think I like to be apart of all the MU ruckus because I love getting creative with the outfit. Anyway, somewhere along the way I broke my beloved Blackberry. The guy at ATT said, "water damage". I said to him, "Um sir, I was not around any water on Saturday". He then he looked at me like I had just said that I had impregnated Elizabeth Taylor and said, "liquid damage". Ahhhhh, that made much more sense.

Decision time: Ironically, just the day before, I was in a very deep, very serious conversation with my sister, her boyfriend, and some others' about phones. The topic was: Would you EVER make the switch from Blackberry to iPhone? My response, "SICK, NEVER!". My sister, her boyf and I agreed that we were BBY till we die and iPhones were...well...something we were not nor would ever be interested in. I swore up and down that I would forever be a lover of keys and would never conform to a touch screen. Well let me tell you, when I saw the $400 price tag on the BBY I wanted, it did not take long before I did the unspeakable...yes....buy an iPhone. After my purchase was finalized my sales guy asked me if I wanted him to show me a bit about my new phone, I said, "no, I just want to go home" and walked out with my head down. I am still adjusting and I do at times feel like a sellout, but I secretly, yes, very secretly like it and I tried reallllly hard not to. What's even worse...I can not, for the LIFE of me, remember my iTunes login or password (RIP my comp), so I have not even started downloading the apps or any songs on it. Moral of the story? I'm going to go with...Don't speak too soon or Don't knock it till you try it. At least I admit it.